Thoughts on forgiveness.
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13 ESV
Forgiveness has been on my mind for a very long time. At first, I was most focused on my personal issues with difficulty forgiving real and perceived wrongs and injustices.
Over time, God did a revealing and healing work in my heart. As I began to understand His perspective on forgiveness, I was able to start the process of forgiveness.
Perhaps you question my use of the word “process.”
“Isn’t forgiveness a one-time decision to forgive?”
Yes, forgiveness begins with a one-time decision to forgive – “I will forgive. I will be obedient to God’s command that I forgive when I have been wronged.” But that decision is the beginning of the forgiveness process.
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25 ESV
As much as we might hope it to be, forgiveness is typically not a one-time event, at least not in the mind of the one forgiving. All it takes is a tiny, seemingly random thought to trigger a recollection of the “forgiven” offense. Our minds run with that, and we find all the emotions and angst tied to the event resurfacing. That’s when we have to remind ourselves that offense has been forgiven. It’s been dealt with. I have forgiven it, and I continue to forgive it.
At first, it may be a second-to-second, minute-by-minute, or day-by-day endeavor – remembering and continuing to forgive. Over time, the intervals will expand. Until one day you realize, “Wow! I haven’t thought about that in a long time!” And you find there is no angst or pain associated with the passing memory. It’s in the past.
Forgiveness is an intentional, purposeful act of obedience for the believer. We are to forgive, as we have been so graciously, mercifully forgiven.
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
My ponderings on forgiveness typically stop at that point. But this past week, I began thinking about the conversations I’ve had over the years with people who had chosen not to forgive. At least, that had been their decision up to the time of our conversation.
Here are my thoughts on choosing not to forgive based on those conversations and my observations.
For some, in the beginning, unforgiveness seems like the right and easy choice. It feels like a step towards justice, retaliation, and retribution. Just put it away, lock it inside, cut off any relationship with the Offender, move forward, and you’ve washed your hands of the situation.
You have decided to punish the Offender by not forgiving.
What you don’t realize is this: by choosing not to forgive, you are surrendering your peace of mind to the Offender.
And you’ve unknowingly given your unforgiving spirit permission to construct a prison in your heart to trap your unforgiveness.
At first, the walls of Unforgiveness’ prison-home may seem tall and the space expansive—a spacious residence for your unforgiving spirit. Light beams through the windows and the glass doors.
You lounge and revel in your unforgiveness, knowing you didn’t let your Offender off the hook. You didn’t give an inch. The offense was too big to forgive!
Your Offender doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. You held the power of forgiveness in your hand, and you chose to withhold it.
But over time, the tall walls shrink and begin to move closer, closer, and even closer together. You realize the big window that ushered in great light is now just a tiny square with a small ray of light breaking through. The glass door has somehow disappeared.
The space that once seemed so expansive has shrunk dramatically and continues shrinking from one moment to the next.
You realize that you and your unforgiving heart are alone in the darkness, reliving every mean word, every deep wound. Every moment of your pain and hurt is on endless replay.
You feel trapped—enclosed. Your breathing becomes labored and shallow as the walls draw closer, threatening to crush and smother you.
That is unforgiveness.
Your unwillingness to forgive has created an ever-shrinking prison of darkness, bitterness, pain, anger, and an unquenchable desire for revenge, retaliation, and retribution that will squeeze every bit of joy from your life, leaving you an embittered shell of the person you could have been.
The irony is this: the Unforgiven one doesn’t care. The Offender’s living outside of your prison walls. Your attempt to torment your tormenter with unforgiveness has had no impact and held no consequences for the Offender.
While your unforgiveness has not touched the Offender, it has stolen bits and pieces from every part of your life. It has created internal misery for you and has reached beyond you to touch all those closest to you, making it harder for those who love you to find joy in your company or conversation.
Your embittered spirit seeps into your attitudes, your actions, and your words, even when you’re with those you care for most.
There is no justice, relief, or peace in withholding forgiveness.
Unforgiveness is a deceiver, a thief, and an enslaver. Over time, it will exponentially compound the hurt and pain experienced in the original offense.
Unforgiveness is an act of rebellion and disobedience towards the God Who has so graciously given complete and total forgiveness to those who least deserve it.
Now, for the good news. It is never too late to choose forgiveness. God’s grace is far greater, and His love far exceeds the height, depth, width, and breadth of our understanding.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
If you’ve realized the hopelessness of your situation and grown weary of living in your prison of unforgiveness, it’s never too late to turn to God to ask for His forgiveness. Tell Him you’re sorry for your stubborn, unforgiving spirit. Ask that the reality of His forgiveness will fill you so completely that you can forgive others.
Unforgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness is a choice as well.
It’s your decision, friend.
For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Psalm 86:5 ESV