“…you may be sure that your sin will find you out. “
Numbers 32:23 (NIV)
Years and years ago, cigarettes were prominently promoted on TV. Every other commercial advertised Pall Mall, Salem, Marlboro, or Camel. Every movie, variety show, game show, you name it – everybody smoked or so it seemed. And to my little eyes, they all looked so glamorous as they did – beautiful women in clingy evening gowns blowing smoke through fiery red glossed lips or ruggedly handsome cowboys exhaling it out their nostrils as they gazed far into the sunset from the saddled back of a black stallion. So gorgeously glamorous.
And so, the first time I saw candy cigarettes at the grocery store, I desperately wanted some. My mother was horrified and forbade me from even picking them up for a closer look. I knew the answer to my ask before she said the words, absolutely, unequivocally “NO.” My little six-year-old heart was broken. My dreams of becoming glamorous were shattered.
Shortly after, we visited my grandparents in Kansas. On a trip into town with my grandpa and dad to buy groceries, I asked my dad if I could buy candy with my own money. “Sure,” he said.
Once in the candy aisle, I was thrilled to see a display of candy cigarettes! Yes! Jackpot! I grabbed a couple of packs and hurried to the checkout, paid for the forbidden “smokes,” then tightly folded the top of the brown paper bag multiple times to protect my contraband purchase. Catching up with Daddy, I showed him my closed bag and said, “got my candy!”
Back at the farm, while the groceries and supplies were being hauled inside and put away, I took my little brown bag out to the large sand and gravel pile that sat not far from the farmhouse but out of direct view. I climbed to sit at the top of the sandy gravel hill, opened the brown bag, and then the boxes of candy cigarettes. Holding a candy cigarette between my index and middle fingers, I began trying to imitate the various styles of smoke-blowing and cigarette-holding I’d seen on TV – all the time, wishing I had a mirror so I could see how glamorous I looked.
Suddenly the little voice in my head that I managed to push away and ignore earlier, broke through the barriers I had built and began yelling at me, “You’re going to get in trouble. You know you shouldn’t have bought those candy cigarettes. Momma is going to be so upset when she finds out. You disobeyed! You sinned! GOD is so disappointed in you.” Stupid little voice. Even worse – I knew it was telling the truth.
Guilt washed over me. I needed to confess my sin to Mom and GOD and ask for forgiveness. I started to get up to return to the farmhouse, but then I had a thought! Just get rid of the candy cigarettes! Brilliant! No one would ever know.
Using my index finger, I drove a hole into the gravel-filled sand deep enough to insert one candy cigarette. I pushed it down and covered the top of the hole with a little sand. Perfect. It was gone, never to be seen again. I quickly went to work burying each candy cigarette in a grave of its own. It didn’t take long to turn the sand pile into a candy cigarette cemetery. Finished, I shook off the sand, wiped my hands on my dress, tossed the wadded candy packs into the burn barrel, and hurried into the house. My conscience wasn’t happy with me, but I brushed it aside knowing that the evidence of my rebellious heart was buried in the sand pile.
That night a terrible thunderstorm blew through; the wind and the rain were fierce.
The following morning, bright sunshine broke through the dusty old bedroom curtains waking me. I jumped out of bed, threw on my clothes, and ran downstairs for breakfast. As soon as I was excused from the table, I headed out the door running straight to the sand pile.
The moment I saw the sand pile, my heart dropped. To my horror, the storm had washed a thick layer of sand and gravel from the top of the pile leaving every candy cigarette standing straight, tall, and almost entirely exposed, like skinny red-capped, white-uniformed soldier ghosts standing at attention, defiant in the morning sun.
My buried sin had been resurrected and exposed, but so was I.
You may say that it was the natural consequences of the storm that uncovered the candy cigarettes, but in my heart, I knew it was a message directly from GOD. The message was this: you cannot hide your sin from GOD. Nothing is hidden from GOD. My momma had told me this before and I believed her in a vague, head-knowledge kind of way – but now I knew it to be true and believed it in my heart. I experienced God’s truth firsthand.
“GOD, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from YOU.” Psalm 69:5
GOD knows.
I wish that head- AND heart-knowledge would have prevented me from making foolish, sinful decisions throughout my life. Sadly, that was not the case. Sadder still is the fact that those foolish, sinful decisions were made fully recognizing the fact that my GOD knew exactly what I was doing even as I was doing it.
“Am I a God at hand, declares the LORD, and not a God far away? Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the LORD. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 23:23-24
“Would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart.” Psalm 44: 21
Each sinful choice was – and is – a full-on act of rebellion against the GOD Who loves me and sent His Son to save me.
I say “is” because even now, years after repenting and fully surrendering myself to Christ there are moments when I hear that six-year-old rebellious voice saying, “no one will know.” And at that moment, a snarky comment comes out of my mouth or an attitude of bitterness tries to take root.
Praise GOD, in those moments I also hear GOD’s Holy Spirit reminding me of Whose I am and the price that was paid to secure my freedom from the bondage of sin and rebellion.
Are you living with the guilt of unconfessed sin?
Do you fear that rain will come and wash away the sands that you think cover your “candy cigarettes”? Your hidden sins? Exposing unrepented acts? Exposing hypocrisies? Laying bare the truth?
Friend, if that is true, then you are carrying an unnecessary burden of guilt, shame, regret, fear, and anxiety.
As a follower of Christ, your sin debts were paid by Jesus on Calvary’s cross. You are no longer captive to sin. If you carry around the heavy chains of sin-guilt that is a choice you have made. Confess, repent, and be washed afresh. (Jeremiah 33:8, Romans 6:12-14, 1 John 1:9)
If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, don’t waste another day buried under the burden of your guilt and sin. Confess your sin to God, ask for forgiveness, and submit yourself to the Lordship of Christ. (Romans 3:10, 23, 6:23, 8:1-2, 10:9-10; John 3:16-18)
“For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.” Jeremiah 31:34